I finally sat down and read all the pieces people have sent to me and the ones I’ve flagged as they show up in my never-ending “feed”. It seems, on the whole, to be an attempt at an honest conversation about home cooking, although I don’t think we’re quite there yet.
I’ve got responses and feelings and a few expletives (you cross my line when you badmouth Jenny) to this collection of pieces, but this weekend, I decided to put them all together to try to see if I could hear a real conversation here. Although I certainly crafted a few soap-box speeches of my own, I realized that instead of talking at you, I really wanted to talk with you. And it did help me to see these all these pieces together as one complete picture.
Here’s what I’ve got. They’re all worth while to read and consider, if you’ve got a few minutes to sit and read. And then if you have thoughts you’d like to share, can we talk a bit about all this in the comments? I’d be grateful for a good conversation. And if there’s a relevant piece you’ve read that I haven’t included here, let us know that too.
Let’s Stop Idealizing the Home-Cooked Family Dinner by Amanda Marcotte (Slate.com)
Making Dinner Doesn’t Need To Be As Hard As We Make It by Meagan Francis (a response to Marcotte’s piece, on Huffpo)
Why Cooking Sucks by Sarah Miller (Cafe.com)
What If You Just Hate Making Dinner by Virginia Heffernan (Nytimes.com)
The Truth About Home Cooking by Mark Bittman (time.com)
And a few responses to that one:
Why I Don’t Hate Making Dinner And Why I’m Not Embarrassed About It by Katie Workman
The Imperfect Family Kitchen by Debbie Koenig
On Cooking For Others by Luisa Weiss
What If You Hate Cooking Dinner? by Michael Ruhlman
and A Response From Jenny, too (dinneralovestory.com)
Occasionally I teach workshops, and I have one coming up this fall. Join me and stellar novelist 
So, I didn’t read all the articles linked, but most of them. And while I sometimes walk into the kitchen thinking ‘Oh gosh, not again’, I don’t hate cooking lunch/dinner. Yes, I cook from scratch nearly every day (not on Saturdays because I’m at work) but no, I don’t invest hours and hours. I cook very simple, basic 30 minutes dishes without a lot of fancy ingredients, sometimes I do this on Sunday if I feel like it. No one is allowed to complain at the table, but if they don’t like what I made they’re free to make themselves a cheese sandwich and get some fruit. I once planned 28 meals for four weeks in advance and if I run out of inspiration now, I just use one of those weekly plans, it’s a no brainer really. For a few weeks now, once a week, I cook a double batch (mostly pasta sauce or soup) and freeze half of it. Meaning I have a cooking-free day or my husband warms something up on Saturdays when I’m at work. I rarely make desserts. Sometimes I make them in the afternoon and serve them as a snack. I use fresh ingredients, if possible seasonal, which are reasonably priced. I don’t suffer from nightmares if I have to buy at Aldi’s because there’s no money for organic food or the kids clamour for boxed cereals every now and then. I don’t cry into my apron when someone is late for dinner, we have mixed schedules so we’re not all together at the table every day. We’re not a dysfunctional family because of it. I’d rather put some effort into making time for cooking because we have to eat. Period. There’s no way around it, and I feel much better if I eat well, and my family eats well, so I cook. The idea of skipping the cooking and always eating out is totally alien to me: people are getting even more estranged from their food and the place they live (where the food is grown).
Ulrike, I think you’ve pointed to something really helpful here: you have your priorities, and it sounds like you’ve found a good pathway to fulfilling them in a way that works for your life. I agree- I don’t think we have to “cry into our aprons” (love that) and have nightmares and overanalyze how we’re feeding our families. We each have a way of making it work, and hopefully the act of sharing strategies and stories (as many food writers do) just helps people find more tools to do it in a way that works for them.
how I feel
http://www.mangia.tv/an-open-letter-to-all-who-identify-with-virginia-heffernans-what-if-you-just-hate-making-dinner-article/
I’m honestly finding a lot of the “I hate making dinner” articles to be very elitist. I don’t want to ignore the fact that there are people, often low-income, who do not have the facilities to cook much if anything as well as the time or funds to cook longer or more ingredient heavy meals. However, I think the no access to fresh food argument is lessened VERY slightly by the fact that WIC and SNAP now make it possible to buy fresh foods in a variety of places. Mostly though it’s middle to upper class women who don’t want to be bothered. Ever. There are times I don’t want to be bothered. There are times when the idea of trying to figure out what to make is enough to short-circuit my brain. There are times that I feel like if I hear one more complaint from my children about what I’ve made I’m going to sentence them to a life of cold cereal and frozen pizza. Most of the time though I realize that I want my children to be able to have healthy food on a regular basis and the only way for me to do that is for me to prepare it. We are not low-income but we certainly don’t have the resources to be eating even terrible fast-food regularly let alone healthier restaurant meals. Is it mostly me who is responsible for those dinners? Well, yes, because I’m usually the one home to do it. Is that somehow inherently sexist? No, because my husband is not doing it because he is commuting to and from work at the time dinner making needs to happen not because it is somehow my job as the “little woman” of the house. It doesn’t have to be labor intensive, ingredient heavy, or exciting to be healthy, tasty, and worth spending the time and energy on. Plenty of people have methods to simplify making dinners- meal planning, repeating meals on certain days of the week or month, a prep day once a week where they can do most of the veggie, prep work (preferably with the help of spouses and/or children) and most of it really just involves creating a routine rather than a huge amount of additional effort. While there are plenty of sacrifices that I think are optional as a parent (working or not working, co-sleeping, homemade baby food, shuttling to a million activities etc), I really don’t think this one is unless the barriers are truly insurmountable. Apathy, dislike, selfishness, insecurity, and perfectionism are not insurmountable. Should you be able to give it up without guilt “just because” periodically? Of course. Should you be able to give it up in times of crisis? Of course. Should it be acceptable to use convenience foods sometimes, or maybe even often? Sure, although if you can afford it care should probably be taken in selecting those convenience foods. I don’t make homemade meals for my family so that I can feel virtuous (and yet martyred), or because I always love it (although sometimes I really, really do and other times I really, really don’t), or because it fits into my “mother and/or woman identity”. I do it because we really like good food, because our bodies are much happier with “real” food, because our budget couldn’t stand the burden of take-out or pre-prepared meals, and because it is our job to teach our children how to feed themselves in a healthy and economical way.
Again, (like Ulrike’s comment above), I think the key here is that we each identify our priorities. The question is not “what if I hate to cook”, but “how do I find a way to eat and feed my family in the way I want to?” For most of us, the answer is to cook- it’s that simple. You state your priorities so well in the last bit of your comment.
And yes, I think income level has a huge (and probably central) place in this conversation. Your comment starts us off in a few different directions when it comes to that one. I agree (as I think you’re saying here) that choosing to feel victimized by the expectation to make dinner is a luxury that most people can’t afford. (Also, honestly, why would we? Imagine going through each day feeling judged and being “made to” cook because some invisible entity is making you feel bad? That in itself feels like a personal choice to me.)
But you bring up something different, too- that is, the accessibility to real food through WIC and SNAP. I think you’re right- it’s gotten slightly better, even over the last decade. But that’s just one piece of such a big picture, right? Incomes are down, more parents work multiple jobs (and aren’t even home for dinner at all), and more families than ever are just trying to stay afloat. Big conversation there, of course. Mark Bittman actually addressed this a bit in his column from yesterday (http://www.nytimes.com/2014/10/15/opinion/do-sweat-the-small-stuff )”These are justice issues, not food issues. Of course they’re important, but they also serve to point out that when you address food issues seriously, you must also address broader, systemic issues like those of inequality.”
This is tangentially related, but I heard on NPR yesterday that there’s discussion of taking out whole milk from the WIC in an attempt to discourage consuming too much saturated fat. Could not believe my ears or how wrong-headed this decision would be.
I usually love to cook and find it a creative outlet, but sometimes the very daily-ness of it makes me hate it. I’ve found some strategies for coping with the occasional hate (yes to takeout, yes to repetitive simple meals, a supper notebook for ideas). I wish the people who whine and complain about cooking would do it in a constructive way – we all need to eat and it’s smart to have some skills in this area. I am someone who likes to make things from scratch, but most middle-class people have choices and they don’t have to cook from scratch if they don’t want to. I say, OWN your choices and who cares what other people think?! You might be creating the feelings of guilt and judgement out of your own insecurity!
To wit, many people would argue that homeschooling is better than public school. Of course I want to feel that I am doing the best for my kids, but we don’t homeschool. My husband and I thought this through carefully, so we feel secure in our decision (which we do revisit occasionally), so I can let homeschooling opinions slide past me without feeling guilty or anxious.
The point of it all is the family taking time to gather once a day to connect. It doesn’t matter what’s for dinner.
Absolutely. It’s not always what we’re eating (so much focus there!), but how we come together over it.
For the most part I love to cook. But there are some days that I just don’t feel like it and when I have to cook on those days, it is such a chore. I don’t enjoy it and I think it shows in the food. Sometimes though, I don’t feel like cooking, get started and I get all caught up in the zen of it.
I read the original article a couple weeks ago and got all churny-stomached and flushed-faced over it. But then I calmed down. Bottom line for me? Constantly checking in with myself to see if I’m fulfilled right down to the bottom of my soul is unproductive, unhealthy and, contrary to popular wisdom, makes me unhappy. I would say I like to cook. I do it 3 times a day, mostly from scratch. But there are plenty of times that 4:30 rolls around and I wish these people would just stop eating already. Putting some kind of metaphysical, existential construction on my weariness would be silly. There is not one job in this whole wide world that never gets tiresome.
I also find the “home cooking is elitist” argument to be absolutely ludicrous. The period in history (and spot on the globe) where poor people could decide not to cook is a wee tiny dot on the time line. I don’t deny for one second the reality of food deserts and stove-less apartments but that is NOT who’s writing whiny (sorry, sorry, I know) posts bashing poor, beleaguered home cooking.
Ps. Joel Salatin wrote a great response to the first article and unleashed a bit of a firestorm on his head. Badmouthing Joel or Jenny is a line I don’t want crossed!
I don’t have kids yet, so that definitely colors my perspective on cooking I am sure in ways I don’t even know. I also have a spouse who truly enjoys cooking as well. I do the majority of the cooking and preserving because I work part time and he works full time plus some.
There are weeks where I am just fed up with cooking. I’m just tired, and he’s not home, and I give in to the fast food. Lately, though, I notice that whenever I do this I just feel gross. It isn’t guilt, it is gross. My body is lethargic, my skin breaks out, my stomach hurts. Cooking at home doesn’t make me feel like crap – it gives me energy and makes me feel accomplished – and that is a reason to continue doing it.
I do think that we have gotten a little overzealous in our interpretation of edible food. My grandma served ridiculously simple food a lot because it was easy and cheap. We need to remember in this conversation that for much of the world, going out to eat or buying packaged things are not a financial option – nor is making gourmet meals. Gourmet needs to be saved for when there is time for gourmet. Food can just be food, it doesn’t need to be fancy.
I do love to cook. I don’t love the dishes. Like everything in life there are ups and downs. I am a staunch feminist, but I like knowing that I am feeding my small family food that is nourishing and healthy makes me feel like I have at least accomplished something in my days. And tonight, it is homemade tomato soup and grilled cheese. The tomatoes are from canning this summer, the bread is from the freezer. I planned ahead with the bread so we could have nights like this – nights where I throw something together that will taste good. Every time I read one of these articles I just keep thinking…this doesn’t have to be so hard.
Have read about half of these and hope to read the rest. I hope to come back here too with some thoughts of my own! But for now I just want to add this one to the list; I think it’s a really important part of the conversation:
http://www.vox.com/2014/9/26/6849169/the-problem-with-home-cooked-meals
Thank you, Lisa, for adding this one. Great addition to the list.
(I realize the Marcotte piece is talking about the same study as the piece I linked to, which is an interview with one of the researchers. But I enjoyed reading more detail about the study, and in particular what it showed about the cooking happening in households with lower income. And it also really made me think about where some of my stress over getting my kid to eat well come from!)
Yes! And I think the piece addresses the bigger issues in a clearer way, too.
Alana, following this debate has been interesting but when reading all these complaints I can’t help but think they are all first world. These articles paint a much more realistic picture of the struggle that many people still face in this country. http://www.psmag.com/navigation/health-and-behavior/many-low-income-people-overweight-87379/
http://www.nationalgeographic.com/foodfeatures/hunger/
These are great links, Rebecca- thank you.
I love how thoughtful you are in your approach to this–I was a but more reactionary when I read Joel Salatin’s response to the original article (Rebecca mentioned it above). When I wrote my response (here) I thought the issue was more about the roadblocks and inequalities in our culture and trying to break those barriers down by, what I concluded, “Instead of blaming, let’s encourage; instead of judging, let’s help.”
In thinking and talking about it more though, I wrote a second post (and a
story about one of my favourite recipes of all time) and I think the most important part is not necessarily what we make, how we make it, or what we make it with, but how and with whom we share that food.
I think we can, and should, talk about addressing those roadblocks, I absolutely believe to my core that we as a society need to prioritize home cooking, growing our own when and where possible, and making good, fresh, sustainable food available geographically and financially. But really it’s not the end of the world to not like cooking every night or to order out sometimes because sometimes those nights can be great memories and build quality connections which we need as vitally as the food we eat.
Christina- what I love most about these two posts together is being able to follow your thought through various stages of your response- it’s really great. And I think you nail down two essential elements here (that keep coming back through these comments): 1. The issue is BIG and complicated and 2. In the end, how we eat (together, joyfully- whatever your priority) is as important as what we eat.
Thank you! Both posts meant a lot to me, so it’s really wonderful to hear they resonated with someone else as well.
I’ve been aware of this debate, but it kind of stymies me. At the end of the day (literally and figuratively), my family needs to eat food. Every day. It’s not an elitist thing. It’s a survival thing. So regardless of our druthers, someone — either me or my husband, whoever has the time and/or inclination — cooks. Sometimes the meal is a rockstar, sometimes it’s really simple. Sometimes my kids love it, sometimes they don’t. Regardless, we sit at a table for 10-20 minutes every evening and eat. Because what are our other choices?
I wonder that too- for those of us who don’t have the options to 1. eat takeout for every meal (even if we wanted to) or 2. hire a private chef. I understand there’s something to be gained by talking about what we do and why, but what really is the alternative? It’s not like we’re trying to decide whether we want to ski or not, or visit Iceland or not. The deeper I get into the question, the more I’m trying to figure out what’s behind it. But I’m a little confused. And all I have is that I think that Hefferenan in particular isn’t telling us she doesn’t want to cook, I think she’s saying she doesn’t want to have to pretend she likes it. Right? Is that it?
You might be on to the crux of it. Maybe it’s just an extension of the tired old mommy wars, and women who don’t like to cook feel inadequate compared to those who do. Feminism = an ongoing uphill struggle.
I love to cook (well, to be truthful, I like to cook, but I mostly love to bake), but I’m aware that this is just how I’m wired. Cooking and baking are things I like to do that incidentally help us eat. Win-win. I have friends who unapologetically hate cooking, which I respect. I wouldn’t expect or want someone to pretend they loved doing something they didn’t. I don’t pretend to love doing laundry. Why should someone feel they need to pretend to love something they consider drudgery? (I’m not asking you to answer this, and yeah, it’s pretty much a rhetorical question.)
Oh, and one last article that’s worth mentioning: Erica at Northwest Edible Life wrote a really beautiful response to the discussion: http://www.nwedible.com/2014/09/the-ethics-of-dinner-joel-salatin-and-genesis-223.html
After reading most of the pieces you linked to, I find myself coming back to the thought that we are all in this together. We all need to eat, we all face challenges (some much greater than others) to getting dinner on the table (or wherever it is that we are eating). I think most people’s kitchens are as far from “I hate cooking so I won’t do it” as they are from every meal being ready in 30 minutes and perfectly photogenic. Imperfection does not fill the pages of cookbooks, or magazines, or most blogs but it is so much of life and food. Media, of all kinds, is so often telling us that we are doing things wrong or we are not good enough when I think most of us are doing our best and are certainly not alone in sometimes dreading having to cook or put another plate in front of a picky eater. I hope there is a place in between where most people can enjoy cooking, sharing, and eating food most of the time. Is it silly to think that we can find some sort of solidarity in the struggles and the joys that we all face in the kitchen?
I hope that’s where we are right now 🙂
Interesting pieces, interesting discussions. For me, cooking usually is not about showing off (there are a few friendly contests with some friendsbut all very good natured ) and not about making a statement. I come from a family where shared meals were the norm, and where everybody takes pride in being able to put food on the table that was made from scratch. I know for some people food is not that important, it’s just fueling up. For me it’s a way to connect with family and friends. And no, you don’t have to spend a whole day on that. There are days when it’s just spaghetti here as well, but the sauce will be home made, even if it is simple and took only 15 min to prepare. My son has a word for that: lazy but efficient.
To add to the discussion about income, I simply could not afford to eat take out or prepared food more than maybe once a week. I live on a single income with two teenage boys. And even they have realized it’s cheaper to meet with their friends and cook something together instead of going out for dinner. I’m proud of being able to teach them that outlook and the skills. If they want to use it, great. If not, it’s their choice. It’s important to me that they know that it does not have to be a chore and lots of work to eat fresh food prepared at home.
I have only made it through the first article but since this is a conversation I will be back when I have read more and to read more.
The thing that jumped out at me was the comment that at nearly every meal some one, including the adults, complained about what they were eating. Wow, huh, I know that this is true but it is hard for me to swallow.
I understand children doing this because they are constantly being introduced to new things (as they are relatively new here) and it is probably overwhelming. And they are trying to establish boundaries and make some decisions for themselves. I am not saying we should always going along with that or override it. I just see where they may be coming from.
BUT adults complaining to the cook? My mother did the cooking when she got home from work. My sister and I started doing prep work (to varying degrees) as we got old enough to do so unsupervised because we were home earlier than her. By the time we were 12 or so our father had us take a moment and admire the meal we were being served and thank our mother for preparing it. We did not have a lot but we always had food. He would say things like “your mom makes a simple salad look so beautiful the way she uses such colorful vegetables.” Turns out he hated salad. I hated calico beans – it is a 7 legume crockpot dish that I now CRAVE – but I was not allow to complain about it because my mom took the time to do that for us.
I know there is so much more to get into on this subject but I just though where are the manners and I am not that old. Maybe the stress level would come down for the cooks if we just said thank you.
Alana, I think that this is , indeed, an important conversation. It just seems to me that the idea that if one hates cooking, just de-frost or heat up prepared food or rely on take-out or hire a cook is a choice only for those that have the income to support it. (I also think that most of these alternatives are often less healthy, so that’s a whole other concern.). Most of the world’s population does not have this choice. In this comment, I would like to focus on my reaction to a comment by Ksenia from “at the Immigrant’s Table” on “the Wednesday Chef”, who emphasized that cooking is personal and at the same time also political. That is so true. From the perspective of having been a 4-year-old child in wartime Germany (1944), refugees from Hungary having to wait for 5 years to come to America, and suffering with malnutrition for much of that time, I think of food as glorious and its preparation as a life-enhancing, actually fun, activity. It’s so wonderful to have enough to eat, even though I’m still concerned for food security for myself and many of my fellow citizens. Growing a small garden helps. Yes, I can see how someone could get to resent cooking if one sees it as a duty, a burden and has a picky non-appreciative audience. Somehow, while I was a single, divorced parent of three children, working full-time to support them and also going to night Law School(over 7 years) to get a J.D. Degree, we managed to work together to create a vibrant family life, preparing food over the week-end in double batches, roasting meats and veggies, so there was always food in the fridge, from which we made delicious meals throughout the week. None of my kids would ever have contemplated becoming aicky eater. The reality of our lives was such that we all just really understood how lucky we were to have food on the table. My three daughters each learned to cook as we worked together to prepare meals, to clean our home, to survive as a family. So,yes, it’s personal, stemming from one’s life eerie cue. For me, food–growing it, shopping for it, preparing it, reading food blogs and cookbooks–has been and continues to be a joyous, absolutely life-sustaining adventure.
Please excuse the typos . It’s supposed to be “picky eaters” and “one’s life experience”.
There are so very many things that irk me about this particular “conversation” in the media. It strikes me as sadly all too similar to the way that we in America “discuss” almost everything else: extremist viewpoints on either side of the issue name-calling, pointing fingers, and hanging strawmen in effigy, while the rest of us leave the article more confused than before.
On one side you have the Salatins, the bow-down-and-worship your homemade dinner camp, and if you don’t, you are clearly a lazy, good-for-nothing slacker who would rather smoke cigarettes and slump on the couch watching the teevee rather than put good honest salt-of-the-earth food on the table. (I get exhausted just reading it). On the other, you have the Marcottes and the Heffernans, accusing us all of derailing feminism, being closet (or not so closet) misogynists, and cruel and insensitive “foodie elitists” who ignore the plight of the down-trodden who have neither the time, energy, nor the resources to cook.
Ah, there’s that strawman. Because, you see, those down-trodden that we’re apparently supposed to not cook in order to remain in solidarity with? They DO cook. I have to admit to a small, wry chuckle at the fact that in Marcotte’s short screed outlining the many ways that cooking is an impossible burden for low-income women, she conveniently ignored the fact that the very women in the study she references were putting homemade dinners on the table 5 nights a week.
Plenty of people cook. Plenty of people don’t cook. But because this is America, we must red-state-blue-state it, must pick the most offensive and outlandish position and defend it to the teeth. The shrill ramblings of upper middle class women in Brooklyn strike me as no more than a woman bitching to her girlfriend in the department store, “Everyone’s wearing hats this season. I don’t look GOOD in hats!”
Interestingly, while I confess that I, too, get a wee bit tired of their home cooking proselytizing, Pollan & Bittman are actually the moderates in this debate, simply stating what should be glaringly obvious: that we all have to eat, that food made from scratch is invariably healthier than processed food, and that gathering the family and preparing a meal can be a much more meaningful and potentially rewarding experience than wolfing down microwaved crap and heading back to our various screens.
Lastly, I’m pretty sure they all just copied me. I’ll be suing for plagiarism soon. 🙂
Well said, Kaela (as usual). I also was struck by the fact that most of the families in the study cooked every day. They cook, really, because what else are they supposed to do? I think I said this in another response above, but unless you want to (and can afford to) eat at restaurants every day or you’ve got a personal chef, would you even be moved to ask the question Heffernan poses? It seems that most people sometimes love cooking, sometimes hate it, we all understand it’s all part of the day. Move on. Find new ways to make it better for yourself. Use a “mother cookbook” or not, but get dinner on the table in a way that works for you. Right?
And yes, I think you’ve got a solid case. I remember that piece- it was great! Glad to have it in the line up here, too. Thanks, Kaela.
Alana, thanks for including me in this great roundup. I agree with many of the comments, especially those who point out that the polarizing nature of this discussion in general where we slide off course. It’s hardly black and white, and when people feel the need to climb on a soapbox on either side of any of the “how do we feel about cooking?” discussions, it becomes an argument not a discussion. And, hey, arguments have their place, but in general people should not feel compelled to decide whether they are “pro cooking” of “con cooking” – that strikes me as silly and not all that productive.
Absolutely, Katie. Thank you for this, and for your thoughtful response to the Heffernan piece.