When I was setting off for book travels in October, I asked for any questions you might be bringing to events so I could think about them before we met. Emily, who was planning on coming to my event at Powell’s in Portland, responded with a question. She was a few hours away, and rain and flooding derailed her plans. But I talked about her question at the event anyway, and, in many ways, I talked about this question over and over. And this morning was I was reading this piece, I started talking back to it and it seemed like time to try to answer that question here, or at least to pose it and work on it together.
Here is Emily’s question:
I am a full time school teacher, wife, and mother of two active little ones (ages 6 and 5). My question is how can I realistically plan, prepare, and produce healthy, amazing meals for my family with all of my other responsibilities? I keep trying; some weeks I nail it. Some weeks I fail. I have the desire. I often lack the time, energy, and/or motivation. Help!
And here is my short answer:
How do you realistically plan, prepare, and produce healthy, amazing meals for your family with all your other responsibilities?
You can’t.
But there’s a long answer. (You didn’t think I would leave it at that, did you?)
It can’t always be healthy, amazing, or even a meal. Sometimes it will be two of those things, and sometimes it will be just one. But most of all, ease up on yourself. Ease up. Because cooking takes time and energy and focus and money and it won’t miraculously not take any of those things. And try (and I say this to myself too!) not to intertwine the quality of your dinner spread with the quality of your parenting. It just doesn’t work that way. Food is meant to feed us, and if it does that marginally well, then I will pin a metal on your apron right here and now.
(Just so you know how much I know this, a little story: As a kid, I didn’t like many things. I liked noodles with butter, steamed broccoli, and fried tofu. My mother was a single mom with barely any grocery money and even less time, so most nights through my entire childhood, that’s what we ate. It took 20 minutes, it was reasonably delicious, and she didn’t have to think too hard about it or hear me grumble about what I didn’t like. It worked for her. I was healthy then and I’m healthy now, and I grew up to be a food writer who eats all things except eggplant which gives me a stomach ache. True story.)
That is my advice, above all. Change your expectations. Go easy on yourself. Especially if you have young kids, know that everything will keep changing, and there will be more space in your life as they get older. You don’t have to do all things RIGHT NOW. It will all be okay. They will be okay. And beyond that, I have a few specifics.
- Repetition is your friend: If you find something that works, keep doing it. You’re not going to deaden any one’s sense of taste adventure. If it’s something you like to make and eat, make it a lot.
- Share the cooking: Does one person do all the dinners? Break it up, even if the other person isn’t a good cook. They will become a better cook if they have practice. Give that person one or two nights when they are on and you are off, and then be cheerful and graceful about whatever they decide to feed you.
- Create a weekly schedule: Monday’s roast chicken night! Tuesday is burrito night. And on and on. Like I said, repetition is your friend. Develop your tool chest of dinners that work, and keep cooking within that framework. You can also meal plan and be a little more specific if that’s how you roll. But this way you’ll save money, everyone knows what’s for dinner, and you don’t have to feel that deep anxiety of NOT KNOWING WHAT’S FOR DINNER.
- Have one regular night when you go out/get take out/eat frozen food: I know some of you might get take out more than once a week and that’s cool too. I live in the country, where my options are bad expensive Indian, bad expensive Chinese, or a number of $14 grass-fed cheffy burgers. So once a week is plenty, but for us it’s usually a pizza or Trader Joe’s frozen tamales.
- Give yourself the time and space to really cook the way you want to: Find that space in the week somewhere. It might be late at night or early in the morning or on Sunday afternoon. Bake, or make lasagna or fry onions in butter but try, try! to stay connected with what you love about the kitchen. Take the time these recipes actually need. Give it to yourself.
- Remember that everything is always changing: Your work schedules will change. Your kids will grow. They will like other things. You will like other things. Money will ebb and flow, too. You do not have to solve dinner for all time. Start where you are, now. What will you eat this week? How can you try to have a good week in the process? You cannot do this wrong. But you can do it in the way that works for you. You really can.
Emily, I hope this helps! Know that you’re not alone, that I heard this question in some form at every event, and that I have it too. And to the rest of you out there, if you have stories and help you’d like to share, please do. We’re all so different and making it work in different ways, and sometimes a peek into other people’s kitchens is just the right thing.
Occasionally I teach workshops, and I have one coming up this fall. Join me and stellar novelist 
This is wonderful- you nailed it!!!! I have sent this to all my mom friends. I love your writing, keep up the good work.
Thank you, Julie! So glad it resonated!
I especially like #5. I often say I love cooking but not for dinner, and sometimes the turned up noses of my kids gets me down (we’re getting better, but still). I love to make time to cook just what I want or spend the afternoon puttering in the kitchen rather than racing about trying to get dinner on the table.
Yes, yes- I think this one might be the most important thing for me. The truth is when I’ve had a full day and everyone’s hungry and I’m trying to get dinner out in 20 minutes (just to have noses turned up at the final result), cooking is such a drag. But it’s so essential to put myself right into the situations I know I love- muffins in the morning, bread baking at night–to remember how much I really love the kitchen.
Oh, Alana! I absolutely adore this post. I am so honored that you took this time to respond to my question. Once again, your beautiful, articulate writing expresses everything I feel and believe but struggle to voice for myself. Thank you for acknowledging that the problem is real. Thank you for the additional permission to “relax,” and thank you for the tips; I will take your words to heart. I read your post out loud to my husband (beaming the entire time) and his response was, “Wow! Does she know you or what?” I gently reminded him that this struggle is not mine alone, but one that women of all ages share, bond over, develop a sisterhood over…
I will remain forever touched that you shared with me. Responded to *me*! Forward I will trudge; armed with your sisterhood.
Oh, thank YOU for the great question, Emily! I’m so sorry we didn’t get to meet, but next time, next time. 🙂
Yes to all of the above. I find that cooking in bulk helps. I try to always have in the freezer leftovers or extra portions of any of the following from making a big batch:
spaghetti sauce and meatballs, lasagna, meatloaf, chili, taco base – stuff that’s not hard to cook but takes time, but can then be reheated or cooked either quickly or easily (ex. lasagna takes an hour, but it’s hands-off time). Anytime I make too much rice or grain I freeze the leftovers (and when I’m really on it I make a double batch and freeze it). And don’t be afraid of supper quick and easy: quesadillas, eggs, sandwiches, pancakes, or, on really tough nights, “snacky dinner” = raw veggies, popcorn, cheese, sliced ham/turkey, crackers, salsa, etc. My kids love it and it’s quick and hits all the nutritional bases.
Good luck to all – this too will pass, for better or for worse.
Thank you, Jess- these are great! Above all, POPCORN FOR DINNER. I’m a believer.
Awww, thank you! Your books have changed our lives – the quadruple batch of spaghetti sauce in our freezer is from your Homemade Pantry recipe – except we puree the onions right in, making it orange but still delicious – and, wonder of wonders, my husband makes your whole wheat bread in a big batch about once a month. You and he have gotten us off store bread! A huge gift. I hope you and your family enjoy a very happy holiday season.
Oh yay! I love hearing about this. Thank you so much, Jess.
Thank you! The Atlantic article just made me angry. No one I know can afford even an “affordable” private chef. Nor does anyone I know have meals delivered. Like you, I live in a rural area and have exactly one option for take-out. This means that I get dinner on the table 7 nights a week. My boys are runners and are under doctor’s orders to try to eat between 4,000 and 5,000 calories daily. This means they eat a LOT (and still lose weight during their peak season).
Repetition is key but doesn’t have to be boring. I still like to try new recipes but when I find one that works it gets added to the list of meals I make regularly. Decent home cooked meals don’t have to take a long time – especially if you’re organized. And when I just can stand the thought of cooking dinner we might have nachos or orange chicken from TJ’s.
It’s true Beth–I think there’s often a divide here between rural and urban families. Often these “I hate to cook” articles are also coming out of NYC where there’s takeout everywhere and shopping often involves packed grocery stores and 7-floor walk ups. I think things are different when those elements change. Just one more way that we’re ALL so different, and a one-size-fits-all advice situation just doesn’t work.
Oh, and nachos! One more awesome quick low-stress dinner. Let’s add that to the list!
All of these comments are fantastic and I would add, don’t forget to mix it up once in awhile. We have “Breakfast for Dinner” at our house a lot!
Now, what I need are thoughts for quick, healthy, filling breakfasts for my non-egg-and-cheese-eating baseball player!
Yes, Susan!
And as for those breakfasts, how about variations on this theme:
http://www.eatingfromthegroundup.com/2012/10/coconut-congee-with-chicken-and-greens/
There’s also a more basic version in my new book. It takes a little time but you can make a bigger batch earlier in the week and it reheats beautifully. Great for breakfast!
Thanks Alana! I’ll keep that in mind.
I love this, Alana!
I don’t have kids, nor do I work full-time. But, I work from home, coming up with recipes, writing about and photographing them, and then doing the dishes… among the many other things that need to be done around the house. I love to menu plan. It’s one of my favorite things to do. But, even loving food and to plan meals like I do, sometimes I just don’t wanna… I can’t stand the thought of cooking or dirtying any more dishes.
I think you hit the nail on the head when you talked about showing yourself grace. It doesn’t have to be perfect every day. It doesn’t have to be only me who cooks. Sometimes Tim (husband) cooks. If he makes us Ramen noodles or picks up In n Out, I’m just thrilled. Sometimes we (I) overthink things, we overcomplicate them. We forget that while food is a wonderful way to express love and artistry, as long as it nourishes (or sometimes, just calories for fuel 😉 ), it’s a win.
I’m well beyond Emily’s life stage but still remember the PRESSURE and the angst that somehow my kids were not eating well. And it was my fault….right around then there was some kind of study that purported to show a link between the number of hot dogs kids ate and the instance of childhood leukemia. So great, I could not only be a crap mother but I could give my kids a terrible disease.
SO the thing I’m loving here is the kindness as well as the wisdom!
Ceci
Oy, Yes, kindness is key!
I’ll never forget seeing Sally Fallon (who wrote Nourishing Traditions) speak years ago. One of the things she said was that if kids get cancer it’s their parents fault for not giving them enough raw dairy. I was a mom of young kids at the time, and I was so angry after the talk. I think this whole push to put SO MUCH burden on parents to feed their kids in all the right ways is just creating stressed parents, which is the last thing kids need!
Thank you for this, Alana. It took me a very long time to realize that I did not have to have a new, perfectly crafted, fantastic meal for every dinner – all completed in less than 45 minutes, of course. I had so much stress and anxiety about this. Totally insane.
Now, my freezer is my very best friend. And yes, even a minimal meal plan for the week is helpful. And my family actually does like to eat the same thing over and over – usually a two week rotation. Finally, I cherish the day I realized that I could walk in the door at 6:00 p.m. and say “Pancakes for dinner!” and become The Best Mom Ever!
Thank you for speaking out for all of us.
LOVE all the comments and suggestions. Here are some things that make it easier for our family.
Always cook for more than one meal at a time, when you do cook. Braise a crap load of chicken thighs, it takes almost the same time as doing a regular batch. Eat some, then shred them and use them for lunch the next day in a chicken salad sandwich, or heat them with pasta for dinner. Left overs are not a swear word, mix it up, and it becomes something new!
Make something big on the weekend, or your day off, think about what you want to make through the week, and then make a big batch and freeze it in portions. (Portions being what your whole family could eat.) If you do it every weekend, eventually you will have a selection of things to eat throughout the week; chili, bolognese, carnitas, etc…
We have a weekly magnetic calendar on the wall, and put down what we are going to eat/cook for a week. It’s hard, but the more you do it, the easier it gets. And eventually you will have a stacked freezer and can just whip things out; nuke it, heat it on the stove, (it’s always better the next day!) add rice/pasta/carbs, and you are done. I believe in the 30 minutes and less, without the slaving in the kitchen for the whole time!
For inspiration, go to the library. They have great books, if we cook more than 3-4 meals out of a book, then we buy it. Or just look at the pretty pictures and get inspiration!
If there is something you love, spend some time to make it better! We love pizza, and spent a long time trying to figure out how we like it. Eventually you can have your favorite tomato sauce in the freezer, rolled out pizza dough in the freezer (or even the packaged stuff from TJs), and all you have to do is shred some mozarella and chop up your toppings (15 minutes max). And it’s so much better than anything you can buy, and cheaper! You don’t even need to do dishes!
We make a ton of our favorite waffles on the weekend. Freeze them, and toast them every day for the kid, it’s like your own eggos, but taste so much better (and you know exactly what’s in them)! Make a big batch of pancake batter, and you can use it for a couple of days out of the fridge.
Make your own chicken stock. Just save your whole chicken carcasses , freeze them, and when you have a 2-3 carcasses, just toss them in a pot, add carrots, onions, celery, cover with water and let it putter for 5 hrs or so. We freeze our stock in regular mason jars. They become an amazing base for almost everything.
And a cheat sheet for favorite recipes we can’t quite remember, but like to make a lot. That way you don’t hunt around for the recipe and waste time. We have an excel spreadsheet with the common ones.
9. And maybe one day our kid will eat all this food too, and not just pasta and butter. Sigh.
Just chiming in on Linda’s comment about “one day our children will eat all this food too, not just pasta and butter” – that’s ANOTHER thing that gets better – my kid that some days ate just grapes, others only pistachios, now is a grown up who eats practically everything with grace and gusto, fueling a healthy athletic body…..
I am a big believer in planning the weekly meals. For most of my sons’ childhoods I have been a single mother with a tight grocery budget, working full time. Creating a weekly meal plan was how I kept my grocery budget under control and made sure my children and I were still eating relatively healthy meals most of the time. And we hardly ever throw away food – win! I would plan our meals around weekly activities too, like Cub Scout meetings, school concerts, etc. After 8 years of weekly planning, it only takes me about 15 minutes on a Saturday morning and then I have my grocery list together and am ready to go. Pointers I’ve learned: breakfast for dinner is always a winner, you can do a lot with eggs, the slow cooker is usually a good solution, grilled cheese is still better than McDonald’s, leftover night is delicious, and Papa Murphy’s pizza and a movie (from the library) is a great way to end the week. Great topic.
I had 3 in diapers at one point so I know the feeling. One thing that helped me was that(thankfully) my kids liked meatloaf. So I made it once a week. When I mixed it up I always made double so there was one in the freezer for later. Also, I made enough to plan on leftovers because I would cut it up into basically square meatballs. The night after meatloaf night was always spaghetti and meatballs.